{"id":14573,"date":"2026-07-27T10:39:34","date_gmt":"2026-07-27T02:39:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/peepor.net\/pint\/blog\/?p=14573"},"modified":"2026-07-28T11:34:20","modified_gmt":"2026-07-28T03:34:20","slug":"i-want-to-die-but-i-want-to-eat-tteokbokki-by-baek-sehee","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/peepor.net\/pint\/blog\/?p=14573","title":{"rendered":"I Want To Die But I Want To Eat Tteokbokki By Baek Sehee"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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I first paid attention to\u00a0 \u2018<\/span>I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki\u2019<\/span><\/em> out of sheer curiosity.<\/span> It was sitting at the top of the bestseller lists, and its title hit that rare sweet spot\u2014quirky, cute, and deeply intriguing all at once.<\/span> But behind that relatable, almost humorous title lies a profound, raw look into a mind battling persistent darkness. More than just following a trend, I wanted to understand the internal mental landscape of someone living with suicidal thoughts\u2014especially someone brave enough to lay those thoughts bare for the world to see. I wanted to understand the why<\/i> and the how<\/i> behind those psychological needs.<\/p>\n

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These questions matter deeply to me. In our own lives and unique experiences, many of us hit walls where life feels too heavy. I think most people have brushed against dark thoughts at some point. Mental health struggles are a deeply human experience, affecting nearly all of us in ways we don’t immediately recognise. I certainly experienced similar feelings during my teenage years and at some junctures of my career as well. While the extent varies from person to person, that shared human vulnerability makes this topic so critical to talk about on a much larger scale.<\/p>\n

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I remember standing by the window while I was thirteen years old, and wondering if I should just jump and end it all. While I tried using my hands to lift myself up and out of the window, they were shaking and weak with sadness and uncertainty. I wasn\u2019t psychologically diagnosed as depressed then, but I did toy with suicidal thoughts several times throughout my teenage years because of the low self-confidence I had after the consistent teasing and joking about my hair, complexion and height by some of my ‘friends’ in secondary school. Neither was I doing well in my studies too. It was a huge setback for me compared to my time in primary school, when I excelled in my academics and wore my looks with so much more confidence and didn\u2019t think much about it. These were thoughts that I kept to myself and which none of my \u2018best friends\u2019 knew about. In their presence, I was always that jolly, cheerful girl who laughed at every joke and teasing. Thinking back about it now, the behaviours of my so-called \u2018friends\u2019 were really uncalled for, but they were teens themselves and couldn\u2019t think too much about rights from wrongs. They must have thought it was pure fun. I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, but deep down, I hated it.<\/p>\n

Till today, I am still not sure if I was having a depression, or just in a bad state of mind for the longest time, but I knew I cried myself to sleep many nights during the dark and lonely period. I should have said something about it and made my friends stop, but I didn\u2019t know better. I just wanted to belong.<\/p>\n

Sounds familiar?<\/p>\n

\u2014-<\/p>\n

Anyway, back to this book \u2013 it is structured around real-life, transcripted conversations between the author and her psychiatrist and offers an intimate view of what it takes to reach out for help. But it also delivers a sobering truth: seeking help does not guarantee an immediate or easy cure. There are several heavy realisations about depression:<\/p>\n

(1) Mental illness isn\u2019t a choice or a character flaw. When a mind is born with a biological vulnerability or chemical imbalance, \u2018thinking positive\u2019 isn\u2019t enough. When depression is triggered by events, it’s difficult to predict and prevent when an episode may occur. Sometimes, having counselling or psychiatric sessions can help, but sometimes, medical treatment might be the only buffer preventing tragedies from happening. If you are already taking medication for depression, please take them regularly.<\/p>\n

(2) The scariest thing about depression is how invisible it can be. People walk through their daily routines with deep, hidden scars, skillfully masking their pain from everyone else. It reminds me of those heartbreaking cases of teenage suicide where loving parents had no idea a monster was consuming their child from inside out until it was too late.\u00a0<\/p>\n

(3) Depression doesn’t discriminate, it touches lives across every age group and gender. In fact, it is more common than we think it is. When one is in the middle of it, it’s easy to feel entirely isolated and exaggerate the problem, as if the problem is ours and only ours to solve and deal with. This often results in a tendency to self-victimise: Why is it only happening to me? Why are others living a better life than me?<\/em><\/p>\n

The tragic news about the author committing suicide broke shortly after we decided to buy her book (if I recall correctly). She passed on at just 35 years of age. Naturally, the demand for her book spiked after the news came out and we had to wait for a while before we could even get a copy of it. One can\u2019t help but feel sad for her, and for life in general. At such a young age (a decade younger than me), she was already more accomplished than me, with two bestsellers published in the market, yet she continued to think very lowly of her accomplishments. It\u2019s a tragic reminder of the fact that depression can hit anyone, regardless of what you do or how successful you are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It is a scary reality because nobody can predict when depression will strike or how fast it can pull someone under. But by reading stories like this, hopefully, we can build a more sensitive, more aware and kinder community\u2014one where people can trust others enough to share about the hidden monsters within themselves. Knowing that so many others actually walk this same path offers a beacon of hope\u2014it proves we aren’t alone, we aren’t ‘different,’ and healing is within reach. If others can overcome it and emerge stronger, so can we.<\/p>\n

Lastly, I\u2019m doing a shout out to all the young girls and boys out there \u2013 if you are going through a similar stage in your life and feel stuck at the moment, don\u2019t give up and make sure you talk to someone about it. There are many hotlines out there so do reach out and hang in there. When you grow up next time, it is hoped that you could look back into the past and feel proud of yourself for having overcome all these challenges and negative thoughts that have consumed you before. You can do it!<\/p>\n

A note to my younger self:<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Thank you for persisting to believe that things will get better back then. It wasn’t easy, but you did it! Now, it’s time you slowly let go and move forward to pursue an even better future for the latter half of your life.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Thank you to all those who believed in me and were kind to me. You were the mature ones, the few out of the hundreds of those around me who bothered to listen and understand, and who bothered to make me laugh for real. You were the ones who truly accepted me for who I am, without any judgements or teasing. I hope I can do enough to reciprocate and pay it forward.\u00a0<\/p>\n